Understanding Humor

When one thinks about having a sense of humor, one usually thinks about someone who makes funny jokes, or at least can appreciate them and laugh when appropriate when watching comedies. The definition of humor according to the Roman Virtues is defined instead as "ease of manner, courtesy, openness, and friendliness." One might think of what is described more as one of being friendly, polite, and kind, but it is a little more than that. Friendly and polite people might well be easy to get along with and all-around good people, but they are not necessarily "open" people.

Open people are eager to share themselves with those around them and are more liable to make new friendships, share ideas and stories about their lives with others, and also be more willing to initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. Having an "ease of manner," on the other hand, isn't too far off from our idea of someone with with a sense of humor should be like. A person with an ease of manner will not insist on being serious all of the time, and in fact be lighthearted and easy going most of the time. If he or she is offended then that person will be more likely to blow or "laugh" it off. People with an ease of manner tend to be the ones who have a good sense of humor anyway, so this is where this roman virtue most clearly links with the modern idea of humor.

Now let me make this clear: having an ease of manner is an important virtue to living a happy, people-centric life (at least in Western society, speaking as a Westerner). While it is beneficial to avoid letting people "get you down" by avoiding overly negative criticism, I think the greater majority of people are just too sensitive to the things people do and say. In fact, many people are so sensitive to real and perceived offenses that they virtually lose all control and lash out either physically or verbally. Now, here is the greatest secret that most people never seem to fully grasp: No one is ever going to like every aspect of who you are or every aspect of your personality. Given enough time talking about you, even your best friends and most trusted family members will say something about you that isn't totally positive or life-affirming. No matter how much they care about your feelings, given enough home-cooked meals they will make some face or other signal of disapproval indicating your most recent creation was less than satisfactory. No matter how perfect you are and how well you treat them, given enough time with you they will find some points to criticize you on (even the ones you don't want to be criticized on!). Now that you have learned this deep, horrific secret of life, get over it.

You can't be a perfect person to or for anyone, and if you expect others to believe you are this person you are only going to hurt them and hurt yourself. If you try to force anyone to see you in this light, whether it be by intimidation, abandonment, or whatever, then you are very possibly being abusive—don't deny this outright, you are not a bad person until you ignore the harm you do to others. Under this virtue of "humor", instead you should be open to forgiving those who hurt your sensibilities or who make an "unfortunate" comment. You should be open to admitting your own faults, heck, you should even have a sense of humor about them. If you can accomplish this, then your friendliness will have true and lasting value in your relationships. It is then that you will be willing to open up to them, and be willing to accept their reaction when you reveal yourself to them—under the condition that they love and respect you for who you are, of course. You cannot expect them to never "betray" you, because even if they do have your same sensibilities, they will still eventually slip up and accidentally tell the truth.

Here are some activities to help you develop more Humor in regards to the Roman Virtues: