Courtesy

What Courtesy means in play

Your team is planning a route through a cooperative map. A friend proposes the bridge. You had been preparing an eloquent speech about the tunnel, and the bridge has inconsiderately developed several advantages. You ask what makes their route attractive, then explain your concern about its narrow exit. Soon you are comparing routes instead of defending the people who first mentioned them.

Courtesy makes disagreement easier to join. Addressing a proposal clearly, letting someone finish and choosing a usable moment to speak give other players ordinary consideration. You can argue keenly for the tunnel. The point is to make your reason available without turning a tactical question into a test of whether your friend deserves respect.

Finding the balance

In ordinary play

A fast team decision

Use the brief signal the group agreed for urgent objections, then discuss details when there is time.

After the session

Invite a willing teammate to compare tactics instead of delivering a public verdict about their competence.

Nearby virtues, different work

Self-Restraint

Self-Restraint prevents a harmful outburst. Courtesy positively shapes an exchange so other people can contribute without earning special status first.

Recognizing a counterfeit

Condescending civility counterfeits Courtesy when elaborate politeness makes someone feel foolish for contributing. Consideration addresses the idea in words the group can use.

Cultivating Courtesy

• Make the proposal, rather than its author, the subject of the objection.
• Give the other person a usable opening to explain or reconsider.

Try it today

Ask about the reason for a proposed tactic before explaining your objection. For quick decisions, agree a brief signal for concerns.

Questions worth returning to

• Which wording helped us compare the actual options?
• Did everyone have the kind of speaking opportunity this situation allowed?

Choose your practice

These pages offer ideas for reflection and character practice, not professional advice. Choose practices suited to your circumstances and abilities. You may adapt, pause, or skip an exercise; putting yourself or someone else at risk is not proof of virtue.

Quotations and further reading

Seven readings, one for each day. All remain available here. Historical arguments and fictional dialogue are identified in their source notes.

1. You should learn not to make personal remarks

   Lewis Carroll · Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
   Chapter VII, A Mad Tea-Party
   Alice · Millennium Fulcrum Edition 3.0, Project Gutenberg 11; no specific historical print imprint identified in Linked text

   Alice replies to an unsolicited comment about her hair. The point is the shift from a shared conversation to a personal target, matching the gaming distinction between a tactic and the person proposing it.

2. The choice of games to be played should be left to a vote or suggestion of the players. The teacher's function in this regard is to suggest, not to dictate.

   Jessie H. Bancroft · Games for the Playground, Home, School and Gymnasium
   To the Teacher of Games, p. 28
   Jessie H. Bancroft · Project Gutenberg #25660; introduction dated March 1909; Linked text does not identify a dated title-page imprint.

   The people taking part have something to say about the plan. A tactical suggestion can likewise invite a response.

3. No one has insight into all the ideals. No one should presume to judge them off-hand.

   William James · Talks to Teachers on Psychology; and to Students on Some of Life’s Ideals
   Talks to Students, III. What Makes a Life Significant
   William James · Henry Holt and Company, New York, 1925; Project Gutenberg #16287.

   Another player may care about a possibility one has overlooked. Asking about the proposed route gives that possibility a hearing.

4. he loses the pleasure he might have had, if you had permitted him to think till it occurred to himself.

   Benjamin Franklin · The Morals of Chess
   Rule 7, advice to spectators
   Benjamin Franklin · 1841 version, Wikisource transcription; original essay 1786; the preserved 1841-version transcription is the display source

   Uninvited advice can take away the player’s own discovery. Asking before offering help respects that part of the game.

5. Neither must they be boys to be instructed, but fellow-teachers with whom I may wrangle and agree on equal terms.

   Robert Louis Stevenson · Memories and Portraits
   X. Talk and Talkers, first paper
   Robert Louis Stevenson · Fine-paper edition, Chatto & Windus, London, 1912; Project Gutenberg #381.

   Stevenson wants conversation between equals. The teammate proposing another route can be approached as someone with something to teach.

6. I never in my life—and I knew Sarah Battle many of the best years of it—saw her take out her snuff-box when it was her turn to play; or snuff a candle in the middle of a game; or ring for a servant, till it was fairly over.

   Charles Lamb · Elia: Mrs. Battle’s Opinions on Whist
   Mrs. Battle’s Opinions on Whist
   Elia, Lamb’s essay persona · E. V. Lucas edited Works of Charles and Mary Lamb, volume II, Project Gutenberg 10343; essay first published 1821; this edited transcription is the display source

   The portrait exaggerates Mrs. Battle’s devotion to cards, but her attention to the shared turn is recognizable. Other players’ time deserves consideration.

7. which is the best way out of this wood: it’s getting so dark. Would you tell me, please?

   Lewis Carroll · Through the Looking-Glass
   Chapter IV, Tweedledum and Tweedledee
   Alice · Project Gutenberg 12 transcription; no specific historical print imprint identified in Linked text

   Alice makes a direct request without insulting her confusing companions. A polite question can keep the practical problem in view.

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