Too little
Counterattack
I can write an even sharper message.
The reply adds a second injury without moving the parcel.
Forbearance
The next move need not be a countermove.
Willingness to restrain a harsh retaliatory response under provocation.
Forbearance restrains a harsh retaliatory response under provocation. It concerns the moment when irritation offers you a satisfying way to make things worse. You may remain angry, make a clear request, take distance or seek appropriate help. Restraining retaliation is not surrendering protection.
Forbearance gives a grievance one less complication
A curt note appears on your parcel. You compose a reply with three underlined words and a closing sentence worthy of a courtroom drama. Then you notice that the actual problem concerns where a box was left. The courtroom can close; the box still needs a sensible place.
Finding the balance in Forbearance
An illustrative everyday situation
A neighbor sends a needlessly sharp message about a misplaced parcel.
A fitting response
Restrained response
I will address the parcel when I can answer clearly.
You decline the retaliatory flourish and keep the practical issue visible.
Pursued too far
Compulsory submission
I must never object to how I am treated.
Suppressing every boundary confuses restraint with obedience.
You can refuse the revenge without accepting the treatment.
When the situation changes
If there are threats or repeated harassment, do not treat this as a writing exercise with the other person. Distance and suitable support remain legitimate.
What Forbearance makes possible
A small dispute may stay small, and you retain more choice about what happens next. Forbearance cannot control another person’s conduct or require you to remain available to it.
Forbearance in ordinary life
The public thread
You leave a mocking nickname out of a reply about shared arrangements.
The delayed answer
You step away from a mild provocation rather than sending a message chiefly designed to sting.
Nearby virtues, different work
Forgiveness
Forbearance restrains a retaliatory act now; forgiveness concerns the continuing hold of vindictive resentment.
Patience
Patience gives a worthwhile process time; forbearance specifically resists a harsh response to provocation.
Forbearance and its counterfeits
Counterfeit: The polished barb
Making a retaliation elegantly worded does not change its purpose.
Counterfeit: The endless endurance test
Forbearance is not a demand to absorb repeated mistreatment without protection or support.
How to cultivate Forbearance
Identify the part of a response intended mainly to hurt.
Create a pause when you can, without promising an eventual reply.
Separate the practical issue from the urge to settle a score.
Try it today
Recall a minor irritation privately. Draft a response to the practical issue and remove the sentence intended mainly to sting. You need not send it or contact anyone.
With neighbors
Decline retaliation; address the problem without adding another.
Questions worth returning to
What would this reply add besides punishment?
What boundary could address the issue without creating a new injury?
Keep the practice proportionate
Restraining retaliation does not require enduring abuse or giving up protective action. Private reflection is sufficient; no confrontation is assigned.
About these practices · DisclaimerQuotations and further reading
Seven selections to return to through the week. Follow a source link to read the surrounding passage.
The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.
The Bible · King James Version · Proverbs 19:11 · English translation, 1611 · excerpt
The proverb praises delaying anger and passing over an offense. The parcel note can be answered without a retaliatory flourish.
The best kind of revenge is, not to become like unto them.
Marcus Aurelius · Meditations · Meric Casaubon translation, 1634 · Book VI, V · excerpt
Marcus turns attention from retaliation to one’s own conduct. A mistaken parcel does not need an insulting reply; restraint can coexist with a clear request to return it.
And the best time to do this, is to look back upon anger, when the fit is thoroughly over.
Francis Bacon · Essays · Of Anger · English original, 1625 collection · excerpt
Bacon recommends reviewing anger after it has passed. Reconsidering the parcel-note reply later can reveal what the satisfying barb would have cost.
And therefore, when men are ingenious in picking out circumstances of contempt, they do kindle their anger much.
Francis Bacon · Essays · Of Anger · English original, 1625 collection · excerpt
Bacon describes how an interpretation of contempt feeds anger. This observation is useful without adopting the essay’s prejudices or its later advice about delayed revenge.
When he is angry, he thinks of the difficulties (his anger may involve him in).
Confucius · Analects · XVI.10; Confucius speaking · James Legge translation · excerpt
The Analects directs anger toward consideration of consequences before a retaliatory response is sent.
For if you once gain time and respite, you will more easily command yourself.
Epictetus · Enchiridion · 20 · Elizabeth Carter translation · excerpt
Epictetus gives a pause practical value; a delayed reply can leave alternatives to an immediate barb.
self-repression is not self-control.
Annie Payson Call · The Freedom of Life · XI, Self-Control · excerpt
Call distinguishes regulation from repression, matching the page's allowance for anger without a retaliatory act.
Continue exploring
Take these ideas into everyday life
Choose a catalog program in its fixed sequence, or create My Virtues with your own selection and order before starting. Reading and trying the exercises never requires an account.